Southfork Ranch

Jamie, Cliff, and Afton stepped into the room and Jack and Sue Ellen approached them, both in awe.

“Jamie?” Jack repeated.

“Who else were you expecting, Cleopatra?” Jamie joked.

“I…I can't believe this! How did this happen?”

Cliff grinned and Afton frowned. “We found her alive Jack…can you believe this?”

Jack shook his head. “This is something I only dreamed about…my God, this is wonderful!” He picked up his sister and twirled her around while Cliff looked on, slightly amused and Afton just scowled.

Southfork Ranch

Lucy had wanted the funeral to be over as quickly as possible, because the pain on her grandmother's face was unbearable. She was happy about Jamie's return, especially for Jack. She wondered if it was some sort of sign or message from a higher power: Jamie coming “back to life” after Clayton's death.

She looked at Sue Ellen and wanted to throw up. She looked at John Ross and felt the same. She looked over at her father, and then at J.R. None of them trusted her. No one trusted her. Why did she even bother?

“Neil?” She turned to her husband.

“Yes?” He asked Lucy. He was still nervous with Afton's presence at the funeral. When was she going to tell Lucy?

“I was thinking about something.”

“And?” Neil asked, expecting big news.

“I want to leave Dallas,” Lucy firmly stated.

“What? Are you serious?”

“I've actually never been more serious in my life.”

“Lucy, what happened? What prompted this?” Neil was secretly hoping this was true. Maybe they COULD leave Dallas. Get away from Afton.

“I just can't take this family anymore. Other than Grandma, what's worth sticking around for? I don't have my job at Ewing Oil anymore. It's obvious that no one trusts me, or even thinks enough about me to consider TELLING me when my job's been stolen right from under me.”

“Where would you want to go?”

“I don't know. Actually I do know. I know what I want to do.”

“Well what is it?”

“I want to join the WNBA”

Neil's jaw dropped. Then he started laughing.

“What are you laughing at?” Lucy grimaced. “I'm serious!”

“Lucy, you've never played basketball in your life.”

“I don't care. I want to join the WNBA! I can be like Sheryl Snoops or whatever her name is.”

Neil just shook his head in confusion.

Across the way, J.R. had spotted Sue Ellen.

“Sue Ellen?”

She was standing by herself in the doorway, looking out at the ranch beyond her. There was a distant, sad look in her eyes.

“J.R.”

“I'm real sorry honey.”

“Thanks.” She gave a meek smile.

They looked at each other for a moment.

And then, like animals, they started to devour each other with kisses.

They didn't even notice Karen and Eric walk in the door and pass by them.

“Christopher!” Karen screamed out, Eric trailing behind her.

Christopher was standing with Todd, whom he had been inseparable from since the funeral began. His eyes widened when he saw his wife.

“Karen!”

She ran up and gave her husband a hug. “Christopher! We've had the worst experience!”

Eric now joined Todd, Christopher and Karen. The foursome obviously was uneasy with each other. “Christopher, Todd,” Eric nodded his head in acknowledgement.

“Shut up,” Todd snapped.

Karen ignored that comment, focused solely on Christopher. “Oh God Christopher, I missed you so much! You wouldn't believe what we've been through!”

“Actually, I can. You were all over the news Karen! How could you do this to me? Embarrass me like that?” Christopher's voice was rising. “And you had a child that you never told me about? I can't believe you!”

“Hey,” Eric interjected.

“Stuff it,” Todd piped in.

“And you lie to me, but tell him? Not only that, you go on the run with him! You make me sick!”

“Christopher, please…” Karen said as her eyes welled up with tears.

“Save it. Go off with your boyfriend.”

“Christopher, it's not that simple.”

“It's this simple. I want a divorce.”

Karen's jaw dropped. Eric tried to suppress a smile.

“You can't mean that,” Karen said. “You love me. We can work through this.”

“Sorry Karen,” Todd interjected. “A lot's happened since you left.”

“What are you talking about?” Karen looked at Todd.

“Todd and I are in love,” Christopher stated triumphantly. “We're moving to Vermont to get married.”

“WHAT?” Karen and Eric said in unison.

“Did all that running from the cops and living off tree bark make you deaf? We're in love.”

“Wait a second. Todd, you have a girlfriend…” Karen began.

“Look's like he's got a boyfriend now,” Eric sarcastically interjected.

“Had is the word to use Karen. Get with the program. Janice is old news. And if you knew your husband, or me, so well, you'd know that a swing moves in two directions. Catch my drift?”

Todd and Christopher left Karen and Eric both gaping, as they walked outside together so Todd could have a cigarette. Hand in hand.

Pam didn't understand why Christopher was holding hands with Todd, but she was sure there was a perfectly logical explanation for it. What she REALLY didn't understand was why J.R. and Sue Ellen were entering the room, their hands clasped together.

“Mama! Everyone!” J.R. announced. “Gather 'round. I got an announcement to make.”

Soon, a small crowd had formed around the two ex-spouses. Cally, John Ross, Jack, Lucy, Neil, Pam, Ray, Donna and the rest of the family looked on in confusion.

Sue Ellen couldn't stop smiling. J.R. was too, and squeezed Sue Ellen's hand. “Everyone. Sue Ellen and I want to tell you that we're getting married again.”

“What?” John Ross screamed out.

“Again?” Ray said.

“Oh God,” Lucy groaned.

“We're in love and we need to be together. We're going to the justice of the peace tomorrow.”

“Y'all are crazy,” Cally mumbled under her breath.

Lucy walked up to them. “I hope you're both happy. May all the grass in your garden die, and all your days turn to blackness.”

“Thanks honey,” J.R. said deadpan.

Cally walked up to J.R. and slapped him. “That's for being a bastard!” Then she walked over to Sue Ellen and slapped her too. “That's for being an idiot!” She walked away in a huff, leaving the two future spouses clutching their face for relief.

Pam watched, not sure if she should believe what was unfolding before her eyes. This was beginning to rival the weirdness of even her awful dream years back! Where was Bobby! She could definitely use him in all of this. She'd have to speed up her search for him…

“Pammy…”

She froze, afraid to turn around. “Bobby?”

Bobby stood there, holding hands with a woman—April Stevens Ewing. “Pam, you'll never believe what happened! My plane crashed in this little town and I found April there--alive.”

April smiled. “Well of course I'm alive Bobby. Do I look dead to you?”

Pam was in disbelief. “But…but…but April was shot. You told me about it!”

April shook her head. “No, it was all a hoax by Sheila Foley's people. They shot someone who was impersonating me and I was held captive all those years, but…there's another surprise…”

“What?” Pam said, almost afraid to ask.

“Before Bobby and I parted over ten years ago, I got pregnant. Not long after, I gave birth to quintuplets. Now, they're all ten years old.” April turned around to the door. “Come in kids! Meet your soon to be ex-step-mother, Pam.”

Bobby grinned sheepishly. “What can I say Pam?”

Pam was furious. “You can say this is all a joke!”

April took the children in front of her. “Pam, meet the girls…Shelly, Bobbie, May, June, and Dallas—I missed this town so much that I had to name one after it.”

Pam clasped her hands to her head. “What the hell is going on!”

“Pam, I'm sorry to do this to you,” Bobby apologized, “but I want a divorce. I have to be with April…and May, June, Shelly, Bobbie, and Dallas.”

Pam's eyes grew wide. “You can't do this to me!”

“Why not?” Came two voices in unison from behind her. “He did it to us!”

Jenna Wade Krebbs smiled and handed Pam a plastic bag. Standing beside her was Katherine Wentworth.

“Jenna? Katherine? What is GOING on!?” Pam shouted. “This place is beginning to look like…well, something with a lot of dead people walking around!”

Jenna massaged the rope burns on her neck. “Yeah, life's a bitch, but death's even worse. But I wish to God I hadn't hung myself…these rope burns are a pain—and they're eternal.”

Pam looked in the bag Jenna had handed her. “What's this?”

Katherine answered. “It's your membership packet for the I Was Rejected By Bobby Ewing Support Group. Inside you'll find a membership card, a t-shirt, a schedule of all our meetings, and some money-saving coupons for anti-depressants.”

Pam couldn't help but smile. After all this time, her sister really did care about her. “Katherine, how can I thank you? And Jenna…all this time I thought it was you two who were my enemies, but it was really Bobby Ewing!”

Jenna smiled. “Come on Girls. We've got a meeting to get to! Holly Harwood and Kay Lloyd already phoned and said they'd be there. And remember…together we can get over Bobby!” Jenna paused and turned back around so she was facing April. "Oh, and April honey, don't worry, we have your membership packet waiting for you. I'm sure you'll be needing it soon."

Meanwhile, Outside Southfork…

Ellie was not amused by anything that had gone on. She missed Clayton. She missed him so much. She wanted to see him, just one more time. If she could only see him again, and touch him. Maybe it would all be alright…

The next thing everyone heard was Ellie's piercing scream. Everyone looked and saw the weak and frail Ellie standing over Clayton's coffin, now opened. There was no body inside.

“Oh God!” Cliff shouted. “Where's the body?”

“Was he cremated?” Jillian asked Lucas, a tad confused.

“Ray, who would do something like that?” Donna asked, truly disturbed.

“Oh Shut up! All of you!” Pamela Rebecca's scream caused everyone to freeze in his or her tracks.

“Honey, what are you talking about?” Afton said, trying to mask her fear with innocence.

“You are all so stupid! Didn't any of you suspect?” Pamela Rebecca seemed to have a crazed look in her eyes.

“Suspect what?” Ray asked.

“What the hell is that crazy girl talking 'bout Barnes?” J.R. addressed Cliff.

“Megan is not John Ross's or even Christopher's for that matter.” Pamela Rebecca continued to shout. John Ross and Eric both stood a little straighter. “She's Clayton's!”

Everyone just stared.

“You are all fools! None of you even suspected Clayton and I were in love but we were. We loved each other. You hear that Ellie? He loved ME, not YOU!” Pamela Rebecca was hysterical now.

“God, she needs a pill,” Todd said deadpan. He and Christopher had come back outside. Christopher was too in shock to respond.

“Now he's going to be with us forever. Megan and her daddy will always be together, in their nursery…” Pamela Rebecca trailed off her words, spoken with childlike abandon.

“Your daughter's as crazy as her Aunt Katherine,” J.R. said to Cliff. “You Barnes are all a bunch of weirdos.”

And then a gunshot rang out through the crowd, sending everyone ducking to the ground. J.R. saw the shooter and his eyes grew wide. “Kaitlin…what the hell?”

Kaitlin Ryan stepped out, wearing a long black dress. And then an exact look-alike walked up beside her. “J.R., I think you've already met my twin sister Kristin.”

“What the…how the…” J.R. gasped.

Both Kaitlin and Kristin were holding guns and they were positioned in some sort of Charlie's Angels pose. “Now you've got double trouble J.R.,” Kristin smirked.

“Oh my Gawd…”

Sue Ellen saw them both and felt light-headed. What the hell was going on? “Kristin…Kaitlin, both of you, off Southfork right now!” she screamed.

“Aww, you're no fun Sis,” Kaitlin said.

“She never was,” Kristin agreed.

“Get off Southfork!” Sue Ellen screamed again. “Get off Southfork! Get off Southfork! Go! Get off Southfork!”

J.R. walked into the room and saw Sue Ellen tossing and turning in bed. She was mumbling something that sounded like Get off Southfork.

“Sue Ellen? What the hell is wrong with you?” He touched her on the shoulder.

“Get off South…” She trailed off as she opened her eyes. “J.R.! It was a dream…just a bad dream…all a dream!”

“What are you rantin' about? Are you drunk again Sue Ellen?”

“What's today?” she almost screamed.

“Well, it's May 22nd…1998.”

Sue Ellen was ecstatic. “Oh my God…J.R., I dreamed…I dreamed all this stuff. Dusty died…and Clayton…and Kristin had a twin sister named Kaitlin. And we all went on this cruise and Jenna burned your stateroom up…and there was a Halloween party…and John Ross was chased to Hawaii by some maniac terrorist and then he met this girl, Melissa.”

“Sue Ellen…”

Sue Ellen continued, “And Pam came back! Christopher found her. Cliff faked his death…And Afton and Lucy, they hated each other! Imagine that. Cally came back and you caused her all sorts of trouble…and I nearly married Cliff! Jack and Jamie were there.”

J.R. looked around the room for empty bottles of vodka, but found none. “Snap out of it Sue Ellen. We've got to get ready.”

“Ready? For what?” She asked. She was still reeling from the epic dream.

“You mean you've forgotten? John Ross is coming home from college today, with his fiancé, Karen. They're gonna be married, remember?” J.R. appeared deep in thought. “Hmm, Karen Beam…I wonder if she's related to…naa, it's not that small of a world…”

(Yeah, that means it was all a joke...this episode at least...)

Come back next Friday night for the real continuation of RTS! (And now you can forget you ever read any of this page, heheh)

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